I’m not terribly interested in Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter because I feel as though the fun is largely with over once you’ve read the title. Yes, Abraham Lincoln is a beloved figure from history and yes, vampires have been very ‘in’ for the past couple of years and yes, it would be totally crazy if we made a movie about Lincoln killing them dude. But the gimmick is just that, a ruse to fill seats for the next two hour block of action-porn from the director of Wanted.
Here’s what I’m getting at. I don’t mind a massive blockbuster once in a while, as long as the subject matter it tackles is at least somewhat interesting or provocative. ALVH, for all its bluster and supposed quirkiness, looks depressingly safe. But what if it wasn’t? If we could, what should we change to make it something more? Well, for starters…
Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter
Lincoln was a great leader to be sure, but he had little to no experience in actual combat. By no means was he the most ‘bad-ass’ president. That particular accolade belongs to Old Hickory, Andrew Jackson. Jackson’s jaw was made of granite. His fists were cast in iron, and his balls were the inspiration for a Jerry Lee Lewis song. That’s right. “A Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin’ On” is about Andrew Jackson’s balls.
As evidence, I cite The Battle of New Orleans. The year was 1815. The threat of a pirate-backed British attack had the Governor of Louisiana so busy pleading with the Federal Government for aid that he barely had the time to soil himself repeatedly. The stakes were high. Whomever came to control New Orleans would come to control the Mississippi river, and whomever controlled the Mississippi would control middle American trade. Defeat seemed imminent until Andrew Jackson stepped up and made the army that beat Napoleon look stupid.
Jackson’s nemesis: General Sir Edward Pakenham, one of the literally millions of figures throughout history who will forever be remembered as not being Andrew Jackson. In the battle that ensued, 251 British solders were killed, three of them Generals, eight Colonels. As Jackson and his troops watched the invaders flee, they tended to their dead. All eleven of them.
He easily met the combat experience requirements for candidacy in the race for presidential-vampire-decapitator, but of course, Jackson mellowed out in his later years. Oh, wait, sorry, Jackson used the veto more often than all previous Presidents combined. In the context of Andrew Jackson, Vampire Hunter, that means that a vamp attacking Jackson’s blind spot would be immediately ‘vetoed’ by the sharpened peg-leg of one of the pirates Jackson killed in New Orleans. Only one president has ever payed off the national debt, and I know that this is all beginning to sound very one sided so I won’t tell you that it was Andrew Jackson even though it was and that’s all just foreplay. In the year 1805, Jackson made a bet on a horse race. Without going into details, the beginning of Lucky Number Slevin happened and there was some serious tension between the parties involved with said bet. All of this culminated into a duel between Jackson and Charles Dickinson, an expert gunman.
The two men took their pistols and their paces. The call came to fire. Dickinson turned and fired. Jackson just turned, standing stock still on his mark as the bullet shattered his ribs. Much to the dismay of Charles Dickinson, he did not fall. Jackson calmly took aim and blasted his opponent to kingdom come, then turned to the crowd that had gathered to watch the duel, saying,
“I should have hit him if he had shot me through the brain.”
which I think that about settles that.
Updated title: Andrew Jackson, Vampire Hunter
Next up, to “hunt” something implies both pursuit and a possibility of failure. Abraham Lincoln may “hunt” vampires, but Andrew Jackson would slay them casually, like vermin. Andrew Jackson does not hunt because Andrew Jackson does not fail. Andrew Jackson fucked up New Orleans like his last name was “Katrina” and his first name was “more destructive than hurricane.”
Updated title: Andrew Jackson, Vampire Slayer
I’m so tired of vampires that I’m tired of people saying that they’re tired of vampires because it means I have to hear about vampires. They may have been fun at one point, but, as in the case of their first cousin the zombie, there are only so many times we can watch them be killed. Eventually, that sense of superiority and satisfaction we get from blasting bullets through their brains or jamming stakes through their hearts begins to fade. Know who doesn’t have that problem? Hitler.
He keeps coming back for more. He’s almost as cliche’d as vampires at this point, granted, so swap him out for any genocidal maniac of the 20th century if you must. Pol Pot would do, or Stalin, but Hitler is a barometer for evil in modern politics. His allure lies in the fact that he’s so iconic. And that “HitlerSlayer” is such a nifty title.
Andrew Jackson, Hitlerslayer
Through his years at war and his years in office, Andrew Jackson always remembered the value of power. But old age robs us all of our vitality, and no man-or warrior-lives forever. Until now.
Midway through an Indian ritual intended to restore Jackson’s youth, he is attacked by a Cherokee man who lost his brother to the Trail of Tears. The two tumble into the time vortex that had been being used to reverse Jackson’s aging and they emerge in Poland-a century later. Nazi tanks roll across the earth under the command of the Third Reich and its bloodthirsty leader, Adolph Hitler. Jackson, (restored to youth by the ritual), disgusted by the realities of tyranny and genocide, vows to use his legendary skills to rally allied troops, smash through axis lines and storm Berlin. He must kill Hitler to repent for the sins he committed against the Cherokee, with the man who travelled to the future with him as witness. Or else. This summer… It’s in Jackson we trust.
If that doesn’t sound appealing, my runners up were Ronald Reagan, Shark Wrangler and Theodore Roosevelt, Godsmasher. Let me know which you prefer @willkosh on Twitter, because the fact that I wrote this and you read it means that we almost certainly have nothing better to do.
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